What? All of a sudden a marathon is making me nervous???

I've been pretty arrogant. Maybe not outwardly, but in my own mind, I've been of the mindset that a marathon is a pretty easy run. Moreover, I've been of the mindset that qualifying for Boston has become easy. When I ran at Boston, I went with no goal. But I came away with another qualifying time for 2010, which I'd already done three times over in 2009.

Suddenly, in the past few weeks, I've been shown (by my own body) that training matters!! I've seen some diminution in my performances over the past few months and my endurance has abated lately as well. I'm frustrated by this. I have never really had to work at my run speed before.

I realize that bodybuilding like a maniac for the past six months has given me strength and power, but I also realize that I am an endurance athlete, not a powerlifter or bodybuilder...and that power is replacing my endurance...so this is not acceptable. My goals are performance-oriented, not aesthetic. So, as a result of this realization, I've quit bodybuilding altogether. My strength workouts will involve CrossFit/intervals/Olympic lifting only. No more big puffy muscles. Just strong, dense, and tight. Size does matter...or the lack of it in this case. Big = slow...for me. I need to be small, light, and fast.

On my long run last weekend, which was supposed to be 15 miles but only wound up being 9 because of Achilles pain, I realized that I cannot just "wing it" anymore. I'm 35 now. My feeling is that, this year, my body has really turned on the reality check for my brain. My cavalier attitude towards my running is becoming guarded...vigilant. I don't feel that it's easy to just go run a marathon with no training anymore. I know that I can still finish a marathon at any time (for now) by just doing it. But doing WELL...that's another question now. It used to be no problem. I could just run forever. I hardly trained for the Umstead 100 and blew away my expectations and goals. But now, I feel as though without careful, diligent, purposeful, and most importantly, focused training, I will not see 2009's successes in 2010.

I am not used to feeling this way. I am discouraged by the fact that I now have to put REAL effort into my running career. I have VERY high hopes for Ironman Coeur d'Alene in 2010, but I will not reap the benefits of my fitness if I don't train correctly. The same goes for any of my running races this coming season. I was in the shower the other day, and I don't know why I thought of it just then, but I became nervous about trying to win the Bartram Forest Ultra. Last year, I was almost arrogant about my chances. I knew upon getting there that I'd leave with a first place overall. This year, I'm a little nervous that I'm gonna bonk or run out of steam.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself. These races are all over a month away and I'm already getting faster. But I just need to stay aware that it takes work, and I'm not just building and retaining this fitness with no effort. Every year it will take more and more effort for me to stay competitive. I cannot simply outlive my competition, I need to outDO them as well.

Marine Corps Marathon will be a test of how fast I can get from injured to qualified. I'd like to be able to run a Boston-qualifying time at every marathon I race this season. For me this year, that's 3:15:59 or better.

Musings of A Paranoid Mind...at least, it is paranoid today...

I don't know what it is...but I just feel like people are erasing me from their lives. I'm probably totally paranoid about this, but this is the way I'm feeling. It just seems like all the friends I have here in Tampa always have something better to do than even have a quick dinner with me. I've been forced out of a few people's lives in the past, and it really hurts, especially when one of those persons forced me out for doing something I never even did.

Today a few things occurred that made me realize all my friends were doing things with each other, and not with me. Now, I'm not saying that my friends always have to include me. Not at all. I'm usually pretty adamant about the fact that I like to do some things with some of my friends and not with others. But what it seems like to me lately is that my friends are canceling plans with me and then going and making other plans with each other, and leaving me out of them. Sounds crazy right? Maybe so...and maybe I'm just reading into things...but I can't help the way I'm feeling about it.

When it comes down to it, I feel like my closest friends are the ones that live furthest away from me. Nashville, DC, NYC, California. Why is it that I feel like the further away someone is, the more they care about me?

I think what I need to do is stop chasing my friends around and asking for their time. They need to come to me. I am gonna just stop calling everyone and asking everyone to hang out and just wait for them to come to me...or not come. In which case, it is time to let the friendship fade away.

When Terri died, we all agreed that no matter how busy we were, we'd all stick together and be like a family...like we used to be. But the only person who's really kept that idea going is me. I know we all have busy lives. I have three jobs. THREE. But I still want to make time for my friends. I'm tired of the "oh I'm busy every day for the next five years" type excuses I get. So...I will stand my ground and just let my friends miss me...or at least hope they miss me. If they don't then I guess they weren't really my friends anyway, were they?