080930 - 1020
Yesterday...
"If this is causing you more stress and taking joy away then it's not good for you right now."
Ya know what? Mark is right. I definitely need to be away from triathlon for a while. Actually I need to be away from everything except running for a while, since that's really where I'm sure I'm happy. I do definitely look forward to taking 2009 off from Ironman racing and just being a runner. I'm looking forward to the Umstead 100 more and more each day. Ultrarunning is where my "zen" is...I'm most at home alone on the quiet trails of an ultramarathon.
If I were 4 or 5 months out from this Ironman, I'd be not the least bit hesitant to pull out and relax. But...it's 4 WEEKS away, and I know I can just HTFU and get thru these last few weeks of training, no matter how hard they are. I can do it, I just have to overcome the programming.
I want to try to pinpoint the first time I felt this coming on. I think the first little inkling that I was heading downhill was about a month ago, when I did "Fran" in 6:28 instead of my usual sub-4:30. Right there...it's the first time I had a thought of "I'm not good enough". Things piled on from there.
I think I may need to go see a doctor about going back on Zoloft though. My best friend told me that going on Wellbutrin helped her immensely when SHE went thru a similar situation regarding her fitness lifestyle.
It's hard to express the feeling of general malaise that I'm experiencing these past couple of days. It's difficult to keep up with the constantly changing moods and the perpetual mind changes that I go through on, sometimes, an hourly basis. I've got a lot of conflict in my mind right now. I'm not sure where my main focus should lie.
Tonight I think I will go to Miles and Munchies with the gang and maybe just relax and run at a comfortable pace, forgetting any kind of interval workout or specific goal.
Part of the internal conflict comes from the fact that my goal for Ironman Florida is just to have a good time, yet I'm training like I have a supreme time goal. I keep telling myself I have it in me to have a 10 hour time at this race, but then I tell myself that the goal is just to have fun. Like the HAL9000, the conflicting orders are confusing my programming. My nominal operation is to go ALL OUT...ALL THE TIME. But I specifically told myself to reduce the stress by not having a time goal at IMFL. Yet what did I do? Slapped myself with a 10 hour goal. Well, maybe not a goal...but an EXPECTATION.
I have expectations of myself in running. Because, in running, I CAN be the best in a race or in my age group. But in triathlon, I'm still on an upswing...and I'm treating myself like I can be best already. And I cannot...I am not trained or educated enough to do so. I just cannot delete this command in my system. I cannot logically convince my psyche to just "go out and have a good time" when I'm PROGRAMMED to be ultra-competitive. The two commands conflict SUPREMELY.
This is a main component of my depression.
The rest is a jumble of having a soul-sister with cancer and watching her go from an able-bodied triathlete and runner to something like an injured cat curled up in a corner, money stresses, hating my job, and juggling a relationship in which I am feeling less and less of a protagonist. Not that I'm an ANtagonist in it, I just feel as though I'm not doing my part lately. I haven't been attentive, I haven't really gone out of my way for Brian, and I have ZERO libido lately since all of this has been bothering me. Just BEING gay bothers me sometimes, now I have to deal with the feeling that I'm losing virility and masculinity too? Just another slice of my depression pie.
Next weekend I will run the Baltimore Marathon. No matter what happens that day, I know that I will have only 3 weeks until IMFL and the end will be in sight. If I can just get thru it...
20080930
20080929
Am I Depressed?
080929 - 1630
I'm starting to think so. UGH. I haven't been even one bit of happy today, and I don't feel like getting happy.
I know now that I was stupid to register for two Ironmans in one year. The training is just wearing me out. It's hard to sleep without wanting to stay in bed all day, it's hard to wake up without wanting to go back to sleep. I have no sex drive. I am constantly angry or stressed out. I need this race to be over with so I can go back to being happy. Everything everyone does annoys me.
I'm starting to think so. UGH. I haven't been even one bit of happy today, and I don't feel like getting happy.
I know now that I was stupid to register for two Ironmans in one year. The training is just wearing me out. It's hard to sleep without wanting to stay in bed all day, it's hard to wake up without wanting to go back to sleep. I have no sex drive. I am constantly angry or stressed out. I need this race to be over with so I can go back to being happy. Everything everyone does annoys me.
20080928
What Pleasure Island Meant To Me
080928 - 1645
Last night I went to the final night at Pleasure Island. Disney decided to get out of the night club business for some reason or another and last night was the "farewell" night for the complex. For the 14 years that I've been going to PI, I've spent most of my time at Mannequins Dance Palace. So last night, I decided to celebrate the final night of PI at Mannequins.
Upon arriving, it was like waiting around at a funeral. No one really was talking, and when conversation occurred, it was subdued, rife with sorrow and sadness that our place of fun was going away. Brian didn't much understand why I was so sad to see "just a club" ending its life. But I spent SO much time, and made so many memories in that very building, that it was like burying an old friend. I taught Scott how to dance, right in the middle of the dance floor. I spent so many Thursday nights, making new friends there. I danced on that dance floor during GayDays for YEARS. I witnessed breakups, hookups, laughter, crying, hell I even met a boyfriend there. I shaped part of my life in that building. Being there last night took me back to when I first started going there...being able to have a place that I could go while I was on vacation, way before I moved to Florida. I remembered all the times I went there as a Disney Cast Member as well, seeing coworkers, friends, cast members from other parts of WDW, and meeting new friends. It was a blizzard of memories.
When we got in, I ran over to Dawn's bar and I was the first of the night to get a drink. But it was really odd. When I got there, I asked how she was doing...she didn't really have an answer...but I didn't really have one for her either, when she asked. I just told her I felt like I was at a funeral, and she agreed. It WAS a funeral.
About an hour into the night, the DJ's started playing some of the classic 90's dance music that I loved when I first started going to mannequins. Twilight Zone, R U Ready For This, Hitman, Mr. Vain, Another Night, etc. It was like old times again. This lasted for almost 2 hours. I was drenched, Brian had a blast dancing to it too. Then at the end of the set, they played the "Mannequins Mix"...I knew I'd hear this for the last time, so I filmed it. It was almost surreal knowing I'd never ever hear this music again.
After this, Scott, Corey, and their friends came. Now the circle was complete. To be there with Scott and Corey was like reliving the best years of my Disney life. Although we didn't dance much after that (they DID play Smack My Bitch Up and I was all about dancing to some Prodigy) we had a good time, drinking, laughing, remembering. Took lots of pictures...on the dancefloor, upstairs on the balcony, etc.
Soon though, it was getting time to leave. I had wanted to stay to the closing but it was so late, I'd been up since 0700 and it was now after midnight. I knew getting out of there at closing would mean an hour egress, so we decided to leave, even though it would mean missing the last dance. The last dance at a place I made so many memories. Scott said he'd film it so I could see what it was like. I have yet to see it.
I'm kind of glad that I missed the last part. I know I would have gotten upset. It still has yet to really sink in that I'll never return to Pleasure Island. I'll never go back to Mannequins. I'll never dance on that spinning dance floor ever again. There's a rumor that the wall between Mannequins and 8-Trax will be knocked down and a new huge club will be opened in its place and will be run by a third party company. I can only hope that this happens and that they keep the spinning dance floor. Then maybe, I'll get at least part of the experience back some day. But for now, Mannequins...and Pleasure Island...is dead.
Last night I went to the final night at Pleasure Island. Disney decided to get out of the night club business for some reason or another and last night was the "farewell" night for the complex. For the 14 years that I've been going to PI, I've spent most of my time at Mannequins Dance Palace. So last night, I decided to celebrate the final night of PI at Mannequins.
Upon arriving, it was like waiting around at a funeral. No one really was talking, and when conversation occurred, it was subdued, rife with sorrow and sadness that our place of fun was going away. Brian didn't much understand why I was so sad to see "just a club" ending its life. But I spent SO much time, and made so many memories in that very building, that it was like burying an old friend. I taught Scott how to dance, right in the middle of the dance floor. I spent so many Thursday nights, making new friends there. I danced on that dance floor during GayDays for YEARS. I witnessed breakups, hookups, laughter, crying, hell I even met a boyfriend there. I shaped part of my life in that building. Being there last night took me back to when I first started going there...being able to have a place that I could go while I was on vacation, way before I moved to Florida. I remembered all the times I went there as a Disney Cast Member as well, seeing coworkers, friends, cast members from other parts of WDW, and meeting new friends. It was a blizzard of memories.
When we got in, I ran over to Dawn's bar and I was the first of the night to get a drink. But it was really odd. When I got there, I asked how she was doing...she didn't really have an answer...but I didn't really have one for her either, when she asked. I just told her I felt like I was at a funeral, and she agreed. It WAS a funeral.
About an hour into the night, the DJ's started playing some of the classic 90's dance music that I loved when I first started going to mannequins. Twilight Zone, R U Ready For This, Hitman, Mr. Vain, Another Night, etc. It was like old times again. This lasted for almost 2 hours. I was drenched, Brian had a blast dancing to it too. Then at the end of the set, they played the "Mannequins Mix"...I knew I'd hear this for the last time, so I filmed it. It was almost surreal knowing I'd never ever hear this music again.
After this, Scott, Corey, and their friends came. Now the circle was complete. To be there with Scott and Corey was like reliving the best years of my Disney life. Although we didn't dance much after that (they DID play Smack My Bitch Up and I was all about dancing to some Prodigy) we had a good time, drinking, laughing, remembering. Took lots of pictures...on the dancefloor, upstairs on the balcony, etc.
Soon though, it was getting time to leave. I had wanted to stay to the closing but it was so late, I'd been up since 0700 and it was now after midnight. I knew getting out of there at closing would mean an hour egress, so we decided to leave, even though it would mean missing the last dance. The last dance at a place I made so many memories. Scott said he'd film it so I could see what it was like. I have yet to see it.
I'm kind of glad that I missed the last part. I know I would have gotten upset. It still has yet to really sink in that I'll never return to Pleasure Island. I'll never go back to Mannequins. I'll never dance on that spinning dance floor ever again. There's a rumor that the wall between Mannequins and 8-Trax will be knocked down and a new huge club will be opened in its place and will be run by a third party company. I can only hope that this happens and that they keep the spinning dance floor. Then maybe, I'll get at least part of the experience back some day. But for now, Mannequins...and Pleasure Island...is dead.
20080922
What's The Intent?
080922-0935
Alot of my time gets taken up with training. Alot of it gets taken up with work. And alot of it gets taken up with sleeping. But I feel as though I don't have a lot of time for myself. Sure, I have a great relationship with a great guy, but sometimes even being with or training with Brian takes up too much of my time when I really just need to be alone.
Lately I've felt as though my brain is overloading. Yes, it's a usual thing when you're training for an Ironman but I guess I feel as though I have lost focus on other things. I'm torn between two worlds.
World 1 is my athletic life. My triathlon life. In that world I feel comfortable, healthy, and able to attack any challenge that's laid before me. It's where most of my friends are. It's where my other half is. After dating a bunch of non-athletes, I decided last yeat that I would not date again until I found someone who "got me", who understood my lifestyle. Brian does. But only to a point. There is this totally different "other side" of me that pretty much no one gets. That's world 2.
World 2 is my I'm-only-like-this-when-I'm-alone side...my less than acceptable side...the side that wants to escape back to my old ways. I don't know how to handle this side of me just yet. I do know that my old "bear/cub" self resides there, and I still have friends in that arena that I refuse to part ways with. I have fun when I'm with them. It's just not where I can be successful. Yet the draw is there. And the draw is strong.
My intent with this blog, when I write in it, will be to try to put direction to all this haphazard thinking and to see where my true focuses lie. So many thoughts are coming to my head, I have alot to write about.
Alot of my time gets taken up with training. Alot of it gets taken up with work. And alot of it gets taken up with sleeping. But I feel as though I don't have a lot of time for myself. Sure, I have a great relationship with a great guy, but sometimes even being with or training with Brian takes up too much of my time when I really just need to be alone.
Lately I've felt as though my brain is overloading. Yes, it's a usual thing when you're training for an Ironman but I guess I feel as though I have lost focus on other things. I'm torn between two worlds.
World 1 is my athletic life. My triathlon life. In that world I feel comfortable, healthy, and able to attack any challenge that's laid before me. It's where most of my friends are. It's where my other half is. After dating a bunch of non-athletes, I decided last yeat that I would not date again until I found someone who "got me", who understood my lifestyle. Brian does. But only to a point. There is this totally different "other side" of me that pretty much no one gets. That's world 2.
World 2 is my I'm-only-like-this-when-I'm-alone side...my less than acceptable side...the side that wants to escape back to my old ways. I don't know how to handle this side of me just yet. I do know that my old "bear/cub" self resides there, and I still have friends in that arena that I refuse to part ways with. I have fun when I'm with them. It's just not where I can be successful. Yet the draw is there. And the draw is strong.
My intent with this blog, when I write in it, will be to try to put direction to all this haphazard thinking and to see where my true focuses lie. So many thoughts are coming to my head, I have alot to write about.
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