Just Get Thru It...

080930 - 1020

Yesterday...
"If this is causing you more stress and taking joy away then it's not good for you right now."

Ya know what? Mark is right. I definitely need to be away from triathlon for a while. Actually I need to be away from everything except running for a while, since that's really where I'm sure I'm happy. I do definitely look forward to taking 2009 off from Ironman racing and just being a runner. I'm looking forward to the Umstead 100 more and more each day. Ultrarunning is where my "zen" is...I'm most at home alone on the quiet trails of an ultramarathon.

If I were 4 or 5 months out from this Ironman, I'd be not the least bit hesitant to pull out and relax. But...it's 4 WEEKS away, and I know I can just HTFU and get thru these last few weeks of training, no matter how hard they are. I can do it, I just have to overcome the programming.

I want to try to pinpoint the first time I felt this coming on. I think the first little inkling that I was heading downhill was about a month ago, when I did "Fran" in 6:28 instead of my usual sub-4:30. Right there...it's the first time I had a thought of "I'm not good enough". Things piled on from there.

I think I may need to go see a doctor about going back on Zoloft though. My best friend told me that going on Wellbutrin helped her immensely when SHE went thru a similar situation regarding her fitness lifestyle.

It's hard to express the feeling of general malaise that I'm experiencing these past couple of days. It's difficult to keep up with the constantly changing moods and the perpetual mind changes that I go through on, sometimes, an hourly basis. I've got a lot of conflict in my mind right now. I'm not sure where my main focus should lie.

Tonight I think I will go to Miles and Munchies with the gang and maybe just relax and run at a comfortable pace, forgetting any kind of interval workout or specific goal.

Part of the internal conflict comes from the fact that my goal for Ironman Florida is just to have a good time, yet I'm training like I have a supreme time goal. I keep telling myself I have it in me to have a 10 hour time at this race, but then I tell myself that the goal is just to have fun. Like the HAL9000, the conflicting orders are confusing my programming. My nominal operation is to go ALL OUT...ALL THE TIME. But I specifically told myself to reduce the stress by not having a time goal at IMFL. Yet what did I do? Slapped myself with a 10 hour goal. Well, maybe not a goal...but an EXPECTATION.

I have expectations of myself in running. Because, in running, I CAN be the best in a race or in my age group. But in triathlon, I'm still on an upswing...and I'm treating myself like I can be best already. And I cannot...I am not trained or educated enough to do so. I just cannot delete this command in my system. I cannot logically convince my psyche to just "go out and have a good time" when I'm PROGRAMMED to be ultra-competitive. The two commands conflict SUPREMELY.

This is a main component of my depression.

The rest is a jumble of having a soul-sister with cancer and watching her go from an able-bodied triathlete and runner to something like an injured cat curled up in a corner, money stresses, hating my job, and juggling a relationship in which I am feeling less and less of a protagonist. Not that I'm an ANtagonist in it, I just feel as though I'm not doing my part lately. I haven't been attentive, I haven't really gone out of my way for Brian, and I have ZERO libido lately since all of this has been bothering me. Just BEING gay bothers me sometimes, now I have to deal with the feeling that I'm losing virility and masculinity too? Just another slice of my depression pie.

Next weekend I will run the Baltimore Marathon. No matter what happens that day, I know that I will have only 3 weeks until IMFL and the end will be in sight. If I can just get thru it...