MO081020 - 0930
Well, it's been a few weeks, and I'm happy to say that things have really improved. I had to make some changes in my diet, supplement schedule, and general outlook, but things are really much better.
Last weekend, I went up to DC to visit my friend Haley, who I hadn't seen in a long time...more than two years. We had a blast. And I ran the Baltimore Marathon while I was there. It was a tough course, but I ran a 3:10 on almost no training. So it really brought up my confidence level. With that renewed confidence, I was able to get through the final week of Ironman training and now I'm in taper. So now I can relax, do the workouts, I can even do CrossFit this week, and then get to race day on November 1 without going crazy.
I feel so much better. I have to admit though, whether it's psychosomatic or not, going back on the Lipo-6X fat burner and the Vitrix mass-builder really helped me stabilize. The Lipo-6X is supposed to affect the seratonin levels in the brain and act like an anti-depressant and mood-enhancer, so if it does, it's working. I've been more positive and happier ever since day 2 of being back on it. Does that mean I'm physically dependent on it? Well...maybe...but isn't that what I'd be to the prescription anti-depressants? I'd rather take something that helps my bodyfat percentage stay low AND helps me stay happy...without a prescription or doctor to deal with.
Once Ironman is over, I'll have my biggest running season EVER to conquer. THIS, I'm looking foward to. No transitions, no wetsuits, no bike equipment. Just me, my running shoes, and my Marathon Maniacs jersey. Oh...and shorts too...I only run ONE naked 5K per year. :)
It feels good to be back. I hated feeling like the world was dark around me. This is much better.
20081020
20081008
It's A Start
081008 - 0830
I woke up at 0600 this morning. And I got out of bed. I didn't press snooze for 2 hours. I didn't press it for 1 hour. OK, I did press it once, but I got out of bed once it rang again.
Last night when I went to bed I decided that I'd wear a bunch of compression stuff to keep my body straight and immobile during the night. I thought it might have a bearing on how well I slept and how my back and legs felt in the morning. So I wore compression socks on my feet, compression sleeves on my lower legs, compression shorts for my thighs, and a neoprene compression belt for my back/obliques. I haven't had such a quality sleep session in a LONG time. When I woke up this morning, my body felt refreshed and new. The compression stuff must have squeezed out some toxins cuz when I got up, I think I peed enough to make a new lake in Tampa. I've been upping my water intake lately, hoping to flush out whatever negative chemicals are floating around in my blood. It looks like it's working because today I feel better than I have in more than 10 days. I think this is finally starting to lift.
Today, I'll be receiving my shipment of Lipo-6X and Vitrix. So hopefully by tonight I'll be on my way back to being old happy funny self again. Plus, after the marathon this weekend, I'll probably be high on endorphins again, and ready to attack the last few weeks of IM training with a smile. I'm looking forward to the change in attitude VERY much.
I woke up at 0600 this morning. And I got out of bed. I didn't press snooze for 2 hours. I didn't press it for 1 hour. OK, I did press it once, but I got out of bed once it rang again.
Last night when I went to bed I decided that I'd wear a bunch of compression stuff to keep my body straight and immobile during the night. I thought it might have a bearing on how well I slept and how my back and legs felt in the morning. So I wore compression socks on my feet, compression sleeves on my lower legs, compression shorts for my thighs, and a neoprene compression belt for my back/obliques. I haven't had such a quality sleep session in a LONG time. When I woke up this morning, my body felt refreshed and new. The compression stuff must have squeezed out some toxins cuz when I got up, I think I peed enough to make a new lake in Tampa. I've been upping my water intake lately, hoping to flush out whatever negative chemicals are floating around in my blood. It looks like it's working because today I feel better than I have in more than 10 days. I think this is finally starting to lift.
Today, I'll be receiving my shipment of Lipo-6X and Vitrix. So hopefully by tonight I'll be on my way back to being old happy funny self again. Plus, after the marathon this weekend, I'll probably be high on endorphins again, and ready to attack the last few weeks of IM training with a smile. I'm looking forward to the change in attitude VERY much.
20081007
Turning the Corner...Slowly
081007 - 1035
OK dammit. I made a decision. I'm sick and tired of this effing depression. I know now what's causing it and I know how to fix it. Jess is right. I self-medicate. And when I'm not working out or doing SOMETHING that raises my testosterone level and my endorphin production, I'm down in the dumps.
But, unlike my original thinking in this matter, Zoloft is NOT the answer. I refuse to have to rely on a prescription drug that causes my brain to function differently. It makes me...NOT me. I AM an intense person, I AM excited about my athletics, I AM happy that I can keep up an insane energy level. Zoloft will take that away and make me flat. I do NOT want to be uninteresting and boring like I was when I was on Zoloft 4 years ago. I pride myself on my sometimes-over-the-top personality, its what makes me so unique among my friends. I refuse to have that taken away from me by a mind-altering drug. I want to feel good about myself, not just be content to NOT be sad. That's not how I want to live.
So...I have decided to re-order my supplements. Lipo-6X (because it has a mood-lifting complex in it) and Vitrix, the herbal T-booster I used last month (it's herbal, not chemical, so it's totally legal) and it will kick up my T-levels so I won't be depressed anymore. It was stupid of me to just come off of them like this...I should have known I'd be thrown down in the dumps. I've ordered it and it should be shipped today, and be here tomorrow. I should be back to my happy funny Q self by the weekend. This had BETTER work.
I just think this is a better idea than going on a drug that I will have to take perpetually. If I can get away with something that's easily ordered over the internet, and relatively cheaper than having a monthly prescription and doctors to pay for, then I'm all for it. If after a week or so, I still feel crappy, then the Zoloft MIGHT be the only option. But I'm pretty sure I'll find that I'm better.
I am confident that this decision will help me turn the corner on this depression and by next week, be ready to attack my peak training week for IMFL and then stay intense and fit for the taper weeks leading up to the race.
OK dammit. I made a decision. I'm sick and tired of this effing depression. I know now what's causing it and I know how to fix it. Jess is right. I self-medicate. And when I'm not working out or doing SOMETHING that raises my testosterone level and my endorphin production, I'm down in the dumps.
But, unlike my original thinking in this matter, Zoloft is NOT the answer. I refuse to have to rely on a prescription drug that causes my brain to function differently. It makes me...NOT me. I AM an intense person, I AM excited about my athletics, I AM happy that I can keep up an insane energy level. Zoloft will take that away and make me flat. I do NOT want to be uninteresting and boring like I was when I was on Zoloft 4 years ago. I pride myself on my sometimes-over-the-top personality, its what makes me so unique among my friends. I refuse to have that taken away from me by a mind-altering drug. I want to feel good about myself, not just be content to NOT be sad. That's not how I want to live.
So...I have decided to re-order my supplements. Lipo-6X (because it has a mood-lifting complex in it) and Vitrix, the herbal T-booster I used last month (it's herbal, not chemical, so it's totally legal) and it will kick up my T-levels so I won't be depressed anymore. It was stupid of me to just come off of them like this...I should have known I'd be thrown down in the dumps. I've ordered it and it should be shipped today, and be here tomorrow. I should be back to my happy funny Q self by the weekend. This had BETTER work.
I just think this is a better idea than going on a drug that I will have to take perpetually. If I can get away with something that's easily ordered over the internet, and relatively cheaper than having a monthly prescription and doctors to pay for, then I'm all for it. If after a week or so, I still feel crappy, then the Zoloft MIGHT be the only option. But I'm pretty sure I'll find that I'm better.
I am confident that this decision will help me turn the corner on this depression and by next week, be ready to attack my peak training week for IMFL and then stay intense and fit for the taper weeks leading up to the race.
20081001
HTFU?
081001 - 1155
No. That isn't the idea.
Snap out of it? No. It's not that simple. This isn't just a mood swing. I'm depressed. Like "I hate triathlon" depressed. Not just "oh boy I'm tired". So I can't just one day be unhappy and the next day just decide I'm fine.
There needs to be a progression here. What I've decided to do as a start to help me climb this wall I've hit is to take a few days off and forget about triathlon, forget about my 8.2% bodyfat, forget about my 4:06 Fran. I have decided that putting myself into a "regular" lifestyle for a few days will make me realize how much I love triathlon. Then I can start up again, knowing that I have a career in a sport that is enjoyable, not joyless or stressful.
Here's my reasoning. I didn't go to Provincetown this year. I didn't go to GayDays at Disney. I didn't go to St. Pete Pride. Why? I don't know. But I do know that every year I do something to celebrate my "difference" in life, and this year I did not. This made me upset and caused me to long for a "recharge of my pride". As of yet, I have not had this. But the same goes true for my love of triathlon. I think that if I'm away from it, and I don't have it for a while, I will start to long for it, and I will start training again with fervor. Even if it is only for the last 4 weeks before the race.
Next weekend, I will be in Baltimore for the UnderArmor Baltimore Marathon. I'm looking forward to this race, not only because I love running marathons, but I get to see a friend of mine I haven't seen in over two years. She's in the army, and lucky for me, she was stationed in DC recently, so at her request (read begging day in and day out) I decided to hit Baltimore for my fall marathon (since I missed the registration for Marine Corps Marathon...grrr). It works out better anyway, since MCM would be 6 days before Ironman Florida.
Tonight, I skipped my bike/run workout. Tomorrow, I will skip my bike/run workout. Friday, I MIGHT skip my swim depending on how I feel. 3 days off is probably all I will want to take, but I might just take all of them. We'll see what happens. Right now I'm feeling confident that my strategy will work.
My friend Sue (she's a doctor, so I trust her judgment) took me to dinner tonight and told me that I just need to start incorporating rest days into my schedule. In the past two years, I've probably taken about 20 rest days total. 20...out of 730 days. Isn't that crazy when you think about it? And 10 of those days were one week rests after Ironman races. Actually, I only rested THREE DAYS after my first Ironman...am I addicted or what?
Anyway, the point is...after a few days' rest I'm willing to bet that I'll be back and better than ever. At least I hope I will. It's so hard to be positive right now. But I'm working hard.
No. That isn't the idea.
Snap out of it? No. It's not that simple. This isn't just a mood swing. I'm depressed. Like "I hate triathlon" depressed. Not just "oh boy I'm tired". So I can't just one day be unhappy and the next day just decide I'm fine.
There needs to be a progression here. What I've decided to do as a start to help me climb this wall I've hit is to take a few days off and forget about triathlon, forget about my 8.2% bodyfat, forget about my 4:06 Fran. I have decided that putting myself into a "regular" lifestyle for a few days will make me realize how much I love triathlon. Then I can start up again, knowing that I have a career in a sport that is enjoyable, not joyless or stressful.
Here's my reasoning. I didn't go to Provincetown this year. I didn't go to GayDays at Disney. I didn't go to St. Pete Pride. Why? I don't know. But I do know that every year I do something to celebrate my "difference" in life, and this year I did not. This made me upset and caused me to long for a "recharge of my pride". As of yet, I have not had this. But the same goes true for my love of triathlon. I think that if I'm away from it, and I don't have it for a while, I will start to long for it, and I will start training again with fervor. Even if it is only for the last 4 weeks before the race.
Next weekend, I will be in Baltimore for the UnderArmor Baltimore Marathon. I'm looking forward to this race, not only because I love running marathons, but I get to see a friend of mine I haven't seen in over two years. She's in the army, and lucky for me, she was stationed in DC recently, so at her request (read begging day in and day out) I decided to hit Baltimore for my fall marathon (since I missed the registration for Marine Corps Marathon...grrr). It works out better anyway, since MCM would be 6 days before Ironman Florida.
Tonight, I skipped my bike/run workout. Tomorrow, I will skip my bike/run workout. Friday, I MIGHT skip my swim depending on how I feel. 3 days off is probably all I will want to take, but I might just take all of them. We'll see what happens. Right now I'm feeling confident that my strategy will work.
My friend Sue (she's a doctor, so I trust her judgment) took me to dinner tonight and told me that I just need to start incorporating rest days into my schedule. In the past two years, I've probably taken about 20 rest days total. 20...out of 730 days. Isn't that crazy when you think about it? And 10 of those days were one week rests after Ironman races. Actually, I only rested THREE DAYS after my first Ironman...am I addicted or what?
Anyway, the point is...after a few days' rest I'm willing to bet that I'll be back and better than ever. At least I hope I will. It's so hard to be positive right now. But I'm working hard.
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